...not to say "yes" when God says time to grow. Just this weekend, I "learned" that I am a peace-maker in part because it protects me from heavy feelings of responsibility whenever things aren't perfect. Conflict and being at fault in a contentious situation is extremely painful for me, so I avoid it, for my own sake alone. So....I offer it to God when He shows me this fact, I offer "Take away my peace if it is for no better purpose than to keep me shielded from pain." Standing at the foot of the mountain, looking up, packing all the best gear, confident about reaching the top, knowing once there I will stand firmly, staring out across the horizon, the wind in my hair, a conqueror's smile on my face...
Then I have a day like today: a day ending with me here: finally home, and that alone is enough to inspire tears of relief. I herded my children into opposing corners of the house, perked myself a pot of flavored decaff and retreated into my room to sit and wait for the tremors to stop--this day has included every type of "peace interrupted" that I can imagine; ok, nuclear holocaust would have been worse, but not much else competes. I've obviously tightly embraced again my bent for self-preservation. I've completely abandoned my mission. But my husband says--after hearing about my day--that my retreating with a cup of flavored decaff and a bubble bath instead of a bottle of tequila and a gun is a sign that I'm doing better than I think I am. So now, here I am, tumbled back to the foot of the mountain, looking up, lost half the gear, broken the rest, laughing at the image of myself at the top, thinking "no way in hell..."
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