This was my theme today. Seek God's counsel! I shouted it from the rooftops. But then I fell off, bumped along the drain pipe and the rose trellis, hit the bushes--but am finally now climbing back up there to shout again.
Unfortunately, I am surrounded by foothills marked by a sign post: "TO DO" items. So I easily, thoughtlessly forget the advice I gave in days gone by, advice I should maybe internalize and apply right now.
But as to right now, my only thought is: who could get advice from this quadrant anyway? Even getting near me would entail a climb over these math tests that need to be graded tonight so that I can stay on track to have the 9-weeks averages finished by next week. Then that seeker-of-me would have to vault over the paperwork and cryptic scraps scattered around as I've planned and created a performance order and program format for the "Fine Arts Night" next week at school. Finally, if a person got that far, a last lifting of the arms to part the paper sea that is the pile of rubrics destined to score 2 of my 3 computer classes' Publisher projects would open the inner sanctum of my personal space, where I could be found, nibbling the end of a red pen.
And if I happen to not be there, I'm most likely paying billls, balancing the checkbook or folding bulletins at the church office (my one "community volunteer" activity, so I hate to give it up.) And if I happen not to be there, then my pesky children have snagged me with their incessant insistance on clean clothes to wear and the periodic hot meal. Even my words are disjunct and disorganized. My life feels a shambles. Who wants advice from such as me!?!
Still, I gave plenty last fall at school. Claimed it was Your counsel, too, which was the truth. But as life crowded and my health waned, I failed to follow through. Now I find myself haunted by words that were on my mind this morning as I woke: do not make the Lord's counsel/council of no effect. And as You often do, You hid a play on words there: You told me to support the school kids as they asked the school to establish student body leaders: a student council. You showed me how it was from You. I professed it to everyone I could find there. But then when the ball was rolling, I turned away from it, leaving the follow-through to others, and this was certainly a premature abandonment. When will I learn to follow You all the way to the end?
You sent one of those children to me, and she was also on my mind this morning. Kara, a 16-year-old I respect exponentially more than I respect myself at her age, came to me with a story a couple of months ago. She told of a dream she had had in which she met a friend who transferred to our school; and while this friend spoke in conversation with her, and Kara heard her, she also heard the voice that spoke in the girl's head--a voice that said very different things than what her mouth was saying. Kara dreamed she helped this girl deal with the head voice. When she finished telling the dream, she asked me if I thought it was a silly one. I said no, and told her I thought it was from You. She said that was her feeling, too. She just needed to have it confirmed, I guess. I told her You were calling her to intercession...to action.
But then when I turned the conversation and lightly asked her what she had in mind for this new Student Council to do, she looked at me intently and said, "Have separate chapel services for high school and junior high. We have high school kids doing things that need advice from the adults, but because of the young ones, we can't look at these things. For instance, kids are drinking, and you guys (teachers) don't know about it." Why I didn't jump on that right away can only be attributed to a mis-guided and smug assurance that my own internal radar, blipping on Your Spirit, is all I need. That You might provide the kids themselves as a pulse point to diagnose their corporate-Body needs didn't occur to me as the outcome of this push You made for student leadership. I got too preoccupied. And now? Now permanent change has come to our student membership due to hidden wrongs that were found out by the police on a dark weekend night. The girl was right, and I hadn't listened with enough care to go into action. Would it have made a difference? Who can say now. But this I did today. I apologized to her. She needs to know that her words should not be taken lightly nor should they be ignored when they are the result of her time spent with You.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Saturday, February 17, 2007
When Dreams Come True...
...it doesn't always imply a night in Cinderella's castle. I see now how two dreams--one mine, one Scott's--are coming true. How strange the way they play out in this world.
The epiphany attached to what I last blogged, all the "affliction" that has sprung up in our lives of late: a personal redefining of the idea of redemption. It is other things for Scott, things deep and profound enough I do not speak for us both much, but for myself it is this: I have embraced you as my Intercessor in those parts of me that have been dark with sin, but where I was naturally light and good, I presumed to plead my own case before God. But even these parts must come under the umbrella of the redemption, because even justified people live in a fallen world. Sounds like a small thing, but it is huge in terms of what I do with broken trust, failed attempts to do the right thing, etc. I dreamed a month or two ago that I sat in the bottom of a red stone and dirt pit, a deep dry well. It was lit by an unknown source. I knew that to be there was bad, and I knew I didn't go there intentionally; but rather than try to climb out, I simply sat on the ground, hugged my knees and waited to see what You would do. Now I have, in actuality, walked through what my soul knew in advance: I would learn to wait upon Thee in any circumstance, not just in the ones where I have a sense of a need for cleansing/purifying. I do sit in that pit and wait, without trying to climb the walls myself.
And then there are your dreams, my love. You've had several in which you serve as a type of conduit for souls. One during an airplane-crash rescue that you orchestrated, but more recently one about working in a strange pool--one in which people entered the water recreation area through a strange gate made of water. You dreamed it was given to you to determine who was allowed through the water gate, and your will swung the gate open or closed for those people waiting to enter. And I think of the parable about Christ sorting the goats and the sheep.
First, a reminder that all is not always as it presents itself:
Matt 7:21
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
But more to the point, as per Matt 25, we realize we have been assigned a new "character" to play in a pertinent parable's actualization, and in assuming this new role--whereas we look weaker and more despicable in this world's view--we nonetheless move closer to the higher truth of your dreams:
When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth [his] sheep from the goats:
And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed [thee]? or thirsty, and gave [thee] drink?
When saw we thee a stranger, and took [thee] in? or naked, and clothed [thee]?
Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done [it] unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done [it] unto me.
Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did [it] not to one of the least of these, ye did [it] not to me.
And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
Always, any deep-heart Christian hopes ot be counted as the sheep and not the goats in this scenario, so we run around looking for the "least of these His brethren" to serve. But how surprised we are when we find our relationship with Him is so securely in His grasp that He permits us to become the least of His brethren, thereby becoming the tool He would use for sorting others, the rod that measures the temple, etc. And these things arranged by our own ineptness or fault, and not "rescued" from the strange mire by our might or power. Deeply we sense our "least" status while it is forged and actively used by the hand of God, but because we know and trust Him, we realize what His calling demands, and we draw comfort in the knowing:
Luk 9:48 And said unto them, Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me: for he that is least among you all, the same shall be great.
No wonder we are told not to think it strange the trials and afflictions that strike us. And how arduous it is coming to a place of awareness of the good couched in such a time. But times and trials will have their end; our testimony will not.
The epiphany attached to what I last blogged, all the "affliction" that has sprung up in our lives of late: a personal redefining of the idea of redemption. It is other things for Scott, things deep and profound enough I do not speak for us both much, but for myself it is this: I have embraced you as my Intercessor in those parts of me that have been dark with sin, but where I was naturally light and good, I presumed to plead my own case before God. But even these parts must come under the umbrella of the redemption, because even justified people live in a fallen world. Sounds like a small thing, but it is huge in terms of what I do with broken trust, failed attempts to do the right thing, etc. I dreamed a month or two ago that I sat in the bottom of a red stone and dirt pit, a deep dry well. It was lit by an unknown source. I knew that to be there was bad, and I knew I didn't go there intentionally; but rather than try to climb out, I simply sat on the ground, hugged my knees and waited to see what You would do. Now I have, in actuality, walked through what my soul knew in advance: I would learn to wait upon Thee in any circumstance, not just in the ones where I have a sense of a need for cleansing/purifying. I do sit in that pit and wait, without trying to climb the walls myself.
And then there are your dreams, my love. You've had several in which you serve as a type of conduit for souls. One during an airplane-crash rescue that you orchestrated, but more recently one about working in a strange pool--one in which people entered the water recreation area through a strange gate made of water. You dreamed it was given to you to determine who was allowed through the water gate, and your will swung the gate open or closed for those people waiting to enter. And I think of the parable about Christ sorting the goats and the sheep.
First, a reminder that all is not always as it presents itself:
Matt 7:21
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
But more to the point, as per Matt 25, we realize we have been assigned a new "character" to play in a pertinent parable's actualization, and in assuming this new role--whereas we look weaker and more despicable in this world's view--we nonetheless move closer to the higher truth of your dreams:
When the Son of man shall come in his glory, and all the holy angels with him, then shall he sit upon the throne of his glory:
And before him shall be gathered all nations: and he shall separate them one from another, as a shepherd divideth [his] sheep from the goats:
And he shall set the sheep on his right hand, but the goats on the left.
Then shall the King say unto them on his right hand, Come, ye blessed of my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world:
For I was an hungred, and ye gave me meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me drink: I was a stranger, and ye took me in:
Naked, and ye clothed me: I was sick, and ye visited me: I was in prison, and ye came unto me.
Then shall the righteous answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, and fed [thee]? or thirsty, and gave [thee] drink?
When saw we thee a stranger, and took [thee] in? or naked, and clothed [thee]?
Or when saw we thee sick, or in prison, and came unto thee?
And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done [it] unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done [it] unto me.
Then shall he say also unto them on the left hand, Depart from me, ye cursed, into everlasting fire, prepared for the devil and his angels:
For I was an hungred, and ye gave me no meat: I was thirsty, and ye gave me no drink:
I was a stranger, and ye took me not in: naked, and ye clothed me not: sick, and in prison, and ye visited me not.
Then shall they also answer him, saying, Lord, when saw we thee an hungred, or athirst, or a stranger, or naked, or sick, or in prison, and did not minister unto thee?
Then shall he answer them, saying, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye did [it] not to one of the least of these, ye did [it] not to me.
And these shall go away into everlasting punishment: but the righteous into life eternal.
Always, any deep-heart Christian hopes ot be counted as the sheep and not the goats in this scenario, so we run around looking for the "least of these His brethren" to serve. But how surprised we are when we find our relationship with Him is so securely in His grasp that He permits us to become the least of His brethren, thereby becoming the tool He would use for sorting others, the rod that measures the temple, etc. And these things arranged by our own ineptness or fault, and not "rescued" from the strange mire by our might or power. Deeply we sense our "least" status while it is forged and actively used by the hand of God, but because we know and trust Him, we realize what His calling demands, and we draw comfort in the knowing:
Luk 9:48 And said unto them, Whosoever shall receive this child in my name receiveth me: and whosoever shall receive me receiveth him that sent me: for he that is least among you all, the same shall be great.
No wonder we are told not to think it strange the trials and afflictions that strike us. And how arduous it is coming to a place of awareness of the good couched in such a time. But times and trials will have their end; our testimony will not.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Injustice...
We're physically sick. The "attack" has finally disabled our very bodies. Bouts of stomach flu and chest colds tell the story of a germ that has hedged us in so completely that we are succombing to it: the germ of injustice. For a while, you can withstand it, ignore the symptoms, try to combat it with traditional remedies. Eventually, with continued exposure, it proves the victor over all types of health.
Exposure 1: Scott was downsized from his job but the company "forgot" to tell him, so he worked an extra week without compensation.
Exposure 2: His job change affected our cell phone usage, so we changed phone plans, but the company "lost the record" of this nerw arrangement and turned off our phone, even though we followed the agreement with the company to the very letter.
Exposure 3: When we moved due to the job change, I heard my husband call the various utilities to have us removed as the paying occupant for water, electricity, etc. at the former address. Even though this was done in November, and we moved and stopped "receiving service" before Thanksgiving, we are still being billed, with the January bill the latest to arrive.
Exposure 4: The regular land line phone "lost" our last payment, which should have actually given us a credit, and so they disconnected the phone. Fortunately, the bank got involved in this one as the phone company had cashed the check we sent. Mysteriously, the phone company "found" the payment and reimbursed us the "extra" we paid to get it turned back on...although they couldn't give my husband back the hours he spent on the phone with them trying to get it sorted out. (One phone company employee even hung up on him when he contested her comment that "You do owe the money and we're not going to turn the phone back on until you pay it!"--which was completely false. No apologies were forthcoming for either the rudeness nor the interruption of service nor for the inconvenience of our having to "justify" ourselves unnecessarily.)
Exposure 5: While Scott was unemployed and under-employed, his mom picked up our car payment. The first month, the bank misunderstood what the money was for and did not credit it to out bill. This got worked out, as best we understood. She paid a few more months payments, but apparently the bank still did not "get it." We are being told we are three payments behind and if we don't catch it up in 15 days, they will repossess the van. We're currently investigating this one, and hoping to have it ironed out before they take away my ride to work.
Exposure 6: My ex-husband is trying to get out of paying child support due to the fact that our son is finishing high school class work in March. Rather than continuing to pay for his living expenses through our son's leave-taking for college, my ex is claiming our boy can work full-time and so doesn't need his expenses paid. It doesn't strike him that he is in essence saying we should either pick up the boy's expenses completely ourselves or else charge our son rent based on his potential for having income. My ex claims he will be putting the child support into a college fund these last three or four months. His parents, however, never made him "support himself" until he was finished with a year of grad school and married to me.
Exposure 7: Scott's interim job "forgot" to credit him his commissions on his last check--costing us about $300 of anticipated income. So they paid him the commissions on the next check, but offered no extra for this late payment, even though any business that "charges" us for their service expects a late payment fee from us if we should pay them late.
Exposure 7: And for me, this was the worst one of all: at the start of the new year, I went back to full time employment in place of part time to help us with out financial woes. In so doing, I took on a math class that was being taught by someone who had never taught math and who didn't really know how to do it. They are only 1/3 of the way through the year's material, and he was giving the kids what seems to me to be inflated grades. Now as I show them what their homework and test scores earn them, they are shocked. One particular 13-year-old girl learned she was making a 58% F (she was missing a lot of homework points on assignments she didn't complete) when last quarter (before my taking the class) she was making a 98% A. She failed her state test given in the fall, so I tend to think my grade is more accurate. Nevertheless, she wrote a petitionary letter to the principal to have me removed as a teacher, claiming I can't teach and the whole class is uncomfortable with my instruction; what's more, she had other students sign it on the back, without telling them what they were signing, claiming they signed "for a good cause." All this after I'd found her a tutor, helped her rearrange her schedule to see that tutor during her study hall, and even offered her daily access to my prep time for extra help (although she only accessed this offer one time, and then only to make up a quiz she missed.) At first, her parents didn't believe she'd done this; rather they accused me of an unprofessional favoritism of other kids over their daughter. They agreed with her that I probably couldn't teach math, even though I could tally up almost 600 kids that I've taught math, and at this child's very grade level. Or I could just show them the boxful of cards and letters from kids who wrote to me about how much they appreciated me as a math teacher, and what a positive difference I made in their school lives. But even as they backed up her claim that I was not teaching the class well, they learned that the class average was actually a "B" and that maybe their daughter was not bringing home accurate information. When they saw the letter she wrote and learned the true class stats, they fell silent. I didn't receive an apology, an explanation, nothing. All I got was a child who suddenly started showing up for extra help. Her next test grade was a "C" which is pretty good considering she has a teacher who doesn't have a clue what she's doing. (says Scott, tongue in cheek.) I don't need this child or her class to validate my sense of aptitude, but I am sorely tired of being attacked for doing what in my eyes is the right thing.
So, I'm not whining? I'm way past whining. Why all this? All I know, is I'm tired of pleading my own case to You, God. I'm lifting up Jeremiah 50:34. What do You have to say in my defense?
Exposure 1: Scott was downsized from his job but the company "forgot" to tell him, so he worked an extra week without compensation.
Exposure 2: His job change affected our cell phone usage, so we changed phone plans, but the company "lost the record" of this nerw arrangement and turned off our phone, even though we followed the agreement with the company to the very letter.
Exposure 3: When we moved due to the job change, I heard my husband call the various utilities to have us removed as the paying occupant for water, electricity, etc. at the former address. Even though this was done in November, and we moved and stopped "receiving service" before Thanksgiving, we are still being billed, with the January bill the latest to arrive.
Exposure 4: The regular land line phone "lost" our last payment, which should have actually given us a credit, and so they disconnected the phone. Fortunately, the bank got involved in this one as the phone company had cashed the check we sent. Mysteriously, the phone company "found" the payment and reimbursed us the "extra" we paid to get it turned back on...although they couldn't give my husband back the hours he spent on the phone with them trying to get it sorted out. (One phone company employee even hung up on him when he contested her comment that "You do owe the money and we're not going to turn the phone back on until you pay it!"--which was completely false. No apologies were forthcoming for either the rudeness nor the interruption of service nor for the inconvenience of our having to "justify" ourselves unnecessarily.)
Exposure 5: While Scott was unemployed and under-employed, his mom picked up our car payment. The first month, the bank misunderstood what the money was for and did not credit it to out bill. This got worked out, as best we understood. She paid a few more months payments, but apparently the bank still did not "get it." We are being told we are three payments behind and if we don't catch it up in 15 days, they will repossess the van. We're currently investigating this one, and hoping to have it ironed out before they take away my ride to work.
Exposure 6: My ex-husband is trying to get out of paying child support due to the fact that our son is finishing high school class work in March. Rather than continuing to pay for his living expenses through our son's leave-taking for college, my ex is claiming our boy can work full-time and so doesn't need his expenses paid. It doesn't strike him that he is in essence saying we should either pick up the boy's expenses completely ourselves or else charge our son rent based on his potential for having income. My ex claims he will be putting the child support into a college fund these last three or four months. His parents, however, never made him "support himself" until he was finished with a year of grad school and married to me.
Exposure 7: Scott's interim job "forgot" to credit him his commissions on his last check--costing us about $300 of anticipated income. So they paid him the commissions on the next check, but offered no extra for this late payment, even though any business that "charges" us for their service expects a late payment fee from us if we should pay them late.
Exposure 7: And for me, this was the worst one of all: at the start of the new year, I went back to full time employment in place of part time to help us with out financial woes. In so doing, I took on a math class that was being taught by someone who had never taught math and who didn't really know how to do it. They are only 1/3 of the way through the year's material, and he was giving the kids what seems to me to be inflated grades. Now as I show them what their homework and test scores earn them, they are shocked. One particular 13-year-old girl learned she was making a 58% F (she was missing a lot of homework points on assignments she didn't complete) when last quarter (before my taking the class) she was making a 98% A. She failed her state test given in the fall, so I tend to think my grade is more accurate. Nevertheless, she wrote a petitionary letter to the principal to have me removed as a teacher, claiming I can't teach and the whole class is uncomfortable with my instruction; what's more, she had other students sign it on the back, without telling them what they were signing, claiming they signed "for a good cause." All this after I'd found her a tutor, helped her rearrange her schedule to see that tutor during her study hall, and even offered her daily access to my prep time for extra help (although she only accessed this offer one time, and then only to make up a quiz she missed.) At first, her parents didn't believe she'd done this; rather they accused me of an unprofessional favoritism of other kids over their daughter. They agreed with her that I probably couldn't teach math, even though I could tally up almost 600 kids that I've taught math, and at this child's very grade level. Or I could just show them the boxful of cards and letters from kids who wrote to me about how much they appreciated me as a math teacher, and what a positive difference I made in their school lives. But even as they backed up her claim that I was not teaching the class well, they learned that the class average was actually a "B" and that maybe their daughter was not bringing home accurate information. When they saw the letter she wrote and learned the true class stats, they fell silent. I didn't receive an apology, an explanation, nothing. All I got was a child who suddenly started showing up for extra help. Her next test grade was a "C" which is pretty good considering she has a teacher who doesn't have a clue what she's doing. (says Scott, tongue in cheek.) I don't need this child or her class to validate my sense of aptitude, but I am sorely tired of being attacked for doing what in my eyes is the right thing.
So, I'm not whining? I'm way past whining. Why all this? All I know, is I'm tired of pleading my own case to You, God. I'm lifting up Jeremiah 50:34. What do You have to say in my defense?
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