...and for me, the longest day. Wednesday comes for me not unlike a visit to the vet to put your puppy down. My travel schedule has me away from Monday till Friday most weeks, at least for now. Wednesday is far enough away from the prior weekend that those feelings I cling to the hardest fade away...I can no longer feel my kids jump in my arms, feel my wife's warm, steady breath on my neck as she lay behind me, feel the comfort of familiarity. Wednesday is also too far from the next weekend to allow myself the electric tingle of anticipation of being home.
My weeks are a blur of change...a new hotel every night, peering at maps with one hand while navagating unfamiliar streets with the other, in a car I am not used to. Everchanging. There is a lot to be said about sameness. In much the same way those shackled to an unchanging reality long for new, uncharted vistas, I long for the day when I will awake each day to the beautiful morning sounds of my family...forced to protect my more sensitive regions when Nolan bounds onto the bed...You, my love, bending to kiss me on your way to the closet, or the bathroom, or the dresser...Elijah's dry, yet loving responses to his prior day's exploits...
I've spent many days trying to glean why I am so desireous of this blissful sameness. I am sure it has to do with much of my life that has not seemed to be permanant. I lost virtually all of my history prior to college when our house burned to the ground. I am also sure that it has to do with my perception of my own place and importance (or lack therof) in my first marriage, and my inability to rise above what I considered to be my second-class citizenship in the eyes of her and her family. There were days, many spent alone, where I questioned my place in the world, and if I would ever come close to having the chance to be the person I knew I could be, or even if I knew what that person was...
And then there was you, my love...you know the rest. You gave me reason...you gave me hope...you gave me unconditional love, even when that stupid, stupid part of me didn't respect it. You gave me pause to ask myself questions that even I didn't know were straining to be asked, and helped me find at least the start of an answer.
And yet here we are...for some reason, God is not allowing me the rest that I have for so long hoped for. I am faltering, my love...I know now that the largest part of me wants to cling to you, to revel in your special and unique spirit, to keep you for my own to honor you and my love for you. Part of me wants to turn a blind eye to what is being asked of us, for as you know, it will forever change our lives and once again throw my (our) lives into tumult. I'm faltering, my love, and I am at a crossroads...I guess that my faith is not yet strong enough to overcome the selfishness I am feeling...(to be continued...)
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1 comment:
It made me smile, too. This you should know...most of the women I know would give anything to hear such things from the man they love. Know that you are a pretty rare find yourself. I will write to my own counterpart to this for you and it will make you strong again.
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