About Your Farthest Day...

...for some reason, God is not allowing me the rest that I have for so long hoped for. I am faltering, my love...I know now that the largest part of me wants to cling to you, to revel in your special and unique spirit, to keep you for my own to honor you and my love for you. Part of me wants to turn a blind eye to what is being asked of us, for as you know, it will forever change our lives and once again throw my (our) lives into tumult. I'm faltering, my love, and I am at a crossroads...I guess that my faith is not yet strong enough to overcome the selfishness I am feeling...(to be continued...)

There are two kinds of women in the world, my love. This is about God calling you to put me on a cosmic witness stand where I can demonstrate which kind I've been designed to be.

There is the Madonna who said to her God: let it be unto me according to your word; and then there is Jezebel...a name that translates to mean "without cohabitation," a woman who rules her own roost, who is fiercely independent and unsubmissive. Another example of self-rule versus submission appears in the story of Esther. She risked her life to offer multiple feasts to both her husband (king) and his assistant--a man who was trying to kill her people and was therefore her most bitter enemy. She fed them both, told the truth to the king in the presence of her enemy and then submitted to the wisdom of the king as to what to do about the survival of her people. She is the example of courageous, intelligent, humble submission. Her antithesis is her predecessor, Vashti. Before Esther's day, when Vashti was the queen, her king/husband asked her to show herself-- which many interpret to mean appear naked--in front of his friends. She refused to acknowledge what she considered to be a ridiculous and distasteful command. But he was not only her husband, he was her king. Underneath her propriety was disobedience. Underneath her modesty, pride. And driving her good judgment was actually selfish license.

I pulled these thoughts from journal entries I made last November. At that time, I prayed this: "Help me to be an Esther--obedient, grateful, selfless and courageous. She was taken by divine providence from her home and from the familiarity of life "for such a time as this." Help me to be like Esther."

Even then, God was leading my prayers to get me ready to be tested in submissiveness. It has to do with what I told you when I talked about having a chance to be Eve again, only this time to be an Eve who actually follows her Adam. Sarah--Abraham's wife--went through such an Eve-again test when Abraham gave her to a king to protect himself and to maybe even get her pregnant. When the whole plan came out in the open, she was vindicated because she went into the strange relationship as an act of obedience to Abraham. Scripture says this point-blank. People don't think this way anymore...it is an ancient wisdom not too politically correct right now. But it seems to be a spiritual principle that must be "proved" in us this way, even as Christ Himself went through things that demonstrated He came to serve rather than to be served. Now I pray more for you than myself. You will be the one misunderstood in this act of sacrifice, while I get to hide behind your broad shoulders.

You must be strong enough to lead me into this. For this to be a sacrifice and a test, it must be something we wouldn't choose for ourselves, something that disrupts the things that would seem good for the moment. Nor can it be a test of my submissiveness if it is something that I'm led to alongside you...only if I go there following you. Most often, God has given us things in conjunction. This has been strangely all yours. I believe all this proving submission/servanthood stuff is why.

..So I don't think I'll be given a picture of what you see even though you've asked God for this...if He were to show me, too, it would kill the whole purpose it is to serve. But if I go willingly into this type of suffering because it demonstrates my will to follow you as you follow God, then I can see how it would lead to me shining in that glory-of-God glow you described from your dream.

I wrote a week or so ago about intimacy and submissiveness being connected. I wrote about it before I really understood what I meant. It is getting clearer now. Be strong and of good courage! Tell Him we are ready for Him to lead you along His chosen path. Ask Him to fulfill His words to you.

Doesn't it seems so strange to write these things, to try to figure them out together? My sister showed me her Myspace while I was visiting last week. It hit me hard how very unusual our lives have become. Once our lives seemed like simply that: our lives. Now they seem to stand for things bigger than we can even understand...even to the point of our "seeing" why mildew would grow under our last house as a sign to us...who has that kind of thing happen?!? In fact, if it weren't happening to both of us, the dreams and the strange leadings and explanations...and to our children's and my students' dreams even...I'd wonder if my sense of reality were getting fuzzy. Nobody called the prophets crazy, but then again, who is a prophet anymore? Thank goodness for that verse in Isaiah where God says He will "hasten it" in its time!