Intimacy

This one is for you, love, because I don't know when I'll have a chance to share it aloud. I'm thinking of how we've discussed the inherent paradox of this idea of intimacy with regards to the thing God may require of us. And I'm thinking of your latest dream...the one that actually demonstrated what the One on horseback told you: that His essence would be in the intimacy of our grouping.

I came across this today in an old journal..I don't know exactly what I was studying when I wrote this concept down...something on submission, no doubt as that was what I was studying then. Here's the quote: "To achieve intimacy, submission says to cultivate Christ's pattern of rendering a blessing when experiencing hurt or unjust treatment...it means putting all of yourself at the disposal of a person in authority over you, a yielding of humble and intelligent obedience - without suggestion of inferiority or worthlessness...this was the model given us by Christ."

You see God's unusual act as beautiful and powerful, energizing and life-changing for all involved. I hear how you describe me in this setting, filled with a glow that reminds me of what the Bible describes as shekinah (sp?) glory--the visible glory of God upon a person. I am in awe and somewhat fearful of what you see. As for me, I see nothing of this now but what is shown me through your dreams. I submit to you, you submit to God...by humble and intelligent choice. I pray that if it comes to us that we are called to render blessing where the intent toward us is hurtful or unjust, may we stand firm for the sake of this intimacy that will invite His essence. May your vision of the good be a stronghold to us both. I love you.

Here is a quote from a devotional that is so much "for us" that it feels like we invited the author over for tea. It is the devo given to be used on September 11...a fateful date nowdays.
"God can never make me wine if I object to the fingers He uses to crush me. If He would only crush me with His own fingers and say, 'Now, my son, I'm going to make you broken bread and poured out wine in a particular way and everyone will know what I am doing.' I must never choose the scene of my own martyrdom, nor must I choose the things God will use in order to make me broken bread and poured out wine. We say, 'I want angels, people better than myself. I want everything to be significantly from God, otherwise I can not live the life, or do the thing properly; (you were way ahead of me on that one, Scott) I want always to be gilt-edged.' But let God do as He likes. If you are ever to be wine to drink, let God do as He likes."

I've known myself to be bread for others; but it is little wonder God has never used imagery for me in which wine pours. Still, I must continue to grow, for as the author says, if I am to be wine, I must tarnish a little. I must let go of the thing that has terrified me the most to release...ever since my own childhood: the thing that makes me feel like I would rather be dead than alive with this tarnish, this shame.
I know you would like to protect me from being misunderstood and falsely judged. You are gifted with a callous that comes straight from the hand of God that protects you from pain in this area. But you also know that I have a limit. I always stop at the wall of my own comprehension of goodness. And this seems right. And this seems wrong, for in it I can never become wine...I always remain a grape. Carefully, I avoid situations that might crush me, but if He leads you to lead me to a winepress...well, "whither you go, I will go; and whither you lodge I will lodge" as the saying goes.