I Am Entitled

"...to be afraid of oneself is the last horror..."  C.S. Lewis, The Great Divorce

I am entitled...
...to live unsettled and ever striving;
...to lose myself as a side-kick in other people's story, to show how serious I am about Your demands for servanthood;
...to never be at peace where I am, because there is always a better place where You could take me;
...to live a life praiseworthy, because when others praise me I can say demurely, "Not me, His is the glory." Never seeing that I am covet-beckoning all the more;
...to punish myself before You get to it, because Your punishment might not be severe enough.

I am entitled...
...to have the concept fail.
...to have the convictions falter.
...and then...

I am entitled...
...to find the treasure in the darkness
as the sun sets to a moonless night;
...to cling in the cleft on the cold barren mountain.

But most of all and in the end, I am entitled
...to remember what it is to be the child of a Father
who smiles.